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October 6, 2010
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You've got to stop doing that.

Seriously, it's getting dangerous.

I could die, you know.

(It's sick how I can sense your presence in a room. It's positively sickening. And once I finally see you, my eyes automatically stick to you, despite how much I don't want to want to. Still, though, it makes more sense than my eyes darting back and forth toward you and away from you, back and forth, unable to restrain myself, looking like the pathetic freak that I am. And you start to walk past me, and there is a moment when the entire human population is deprived. They are all starved, blank, empty homeless children. There is a moment where the angle and the distance and light I am seeing you in is beautiful beyond comprehension: instant understanding comes through and the process of comprehension doesn't exist. Everyone who doesn't, can't, experience this, this moment right now, is so sad. It is simply sad.

I am the only one who sees it. The lines, the angles of your face from this point of view, in both space and time. The way your cheek curves, the shape of your chin, the sweeping curve of your eye sockets and cheekbones.

That moment of incomprehensible beauty that only I know exists is the cause of the symptom. The symptom is lack of function of my lungs. I stop breathing. I literally cannot breathe. It's just a pause, a short amount of time, but for that time, I cannot breathe. It stops right in my throat, like a machine getting unplugged. And the amount of time for which my lungs are paralyzed is getting longer and longer and longer.)

You really have to stop.

I could end up dying.
And even if you don't mean to kill someone, it's still manslaughter.


I'll die, and the obituary will read "Name. Age. Died of asphyxiation, brought upon by an overdose of beauty."


The funeral will have much hushed talk.

"What happened, exactly?"

"She had a disorder. She saw more than most people. And then she overdosed on beauty. Accidental, they determined, although her disorder definitely helped it along. It stopped her breathing."

"Oh, lord. Couldn't the doctors do something?"

"No. There's no treatment for her kind of disorder. There's no treatment for her kind."

You might go to my funeral, I think. Mostly because you'll feel guilty. You have no idea of what you're doing. And you'll try to be discreet, but someone will eventually figure out who you are. "Over there! That's the one who killed her!" And you'll be told to leave, that no murderers should be around this funeral, that who knows if you'd have the same effect on someone else and cause another death.

And you'll be upset, you'll want to stay but everyone will want you to go, and you'll cry a tear or two, and you'll say, "But she had a disorder! I never thought... never dreamed... that I would agitate it. I never even knew she had the disorder. Nobody did."

And everyone will agree with you, but you will still have to leave. But not before you can leave some lilacs on my grave. You'll figure that since I'm dead, there's no need to worry about the beauty of the flowers stopping my lungs anymore.


And at my grave, on the headstone, below my name it will say, "The beauty was just too much for her to take."
I think I'm growing too fond of one-word titles. But this is what I wanted for this one.

This was one of those "haven't written in ages and all of a sudden you spit up all these words like a newborn baby" situation. I have other things written, but they'll all much too raw to post at the moment.

My one year dA anniversary just passed, so comments as an anniversary present would be nice ;)
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:iconbeachcutie:
beachcutie Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
2nd**
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:iconbeachcutie:
beachcutie Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
that was just beautiful. not many can pull off snd person point of view congrats :)
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:iconmonsterfangs:
monsterfangs Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
i love this :) haha and yes i totally aggree with that whole "havent written in ages and all of a sudden you spit up all these words like a newborn baby" this is going in my faves
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:iconmez10000:
Mez10000 Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2010  Student Writer
Absolutely amazing piece!
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:iconlookatyouall:
lookatyouall Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2010
Thanks! :)
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:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2010
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) in a news article that can be found here [link]
Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article.

Keep writing and keep creating.
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:iconlookatyouall:
lookatyouall Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2010
Oh my gosh, thanks so much for the feature! I'm honored :)
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:iconsaria-rogue-etc:
Saria-Rogue-etc Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
This is an interesting peace. I really enjoyed reading it! I love the different ways you described everything. Great job!
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:iconlookatyouall:
lookatyouall Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2010
I'm glad you enjoyed it :)
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:iconsaria-rogue-etc:
Saria-Rogue-etc Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
;)
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